Why do we thinking that self-judgement can help us in life? Or why do we allow it
Women who dare to start the adventure of looking after themselves often share with me how much guilt they feel. Comments like “I can’t go to the gym, I have to ______ “, “I really wish I could, but I ____ ” or “I shouldn’t have ____”.
Well, what if we looked at this a little bit differently and recognised that when we look after ourselves, we actually have more to give other people?
In this post, I am going to share –
The Gift of Mindful Self-Compassion
What is Self-Judgement?
5 Reasons Why I Started to Judge Myself Less
Let’s get started…
The Gift of Mindful Self-Compassion
Before we start exploring self-hate and self-judgement, we need to make sure you have some mindful self-compassion. Therefore I am going to share a few definitions of self-compassion with you.
Self-kindness – be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental.
Common humanity – feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering (i.e. experiencing our imperfections).
Mindfulness – that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain and exaggerating it.
Also, in the The Force of Kindness, Sharon Salzberg wrote – “this kind of compulsive concern with “I, me and mine” isn’t the same as loving ourselves… Loving ourselves points us to capacities of resilience, compassion and understanding within that are simply part of being alive.”
What is Self-Judgment?
Yes, this is probably self-explanatory, however just so we are on the same page 🙂 There are many definitions of self-judgment including –
“Self-judgment results from thoughts individuals have about themselves and the meanings attached to those thoughts. The thoughts, hence, produce related feelings such as anxiety, anger, and depression. Judgments (The process of forming an opinion, or reaching a conclusion based on the available material.) people make about themselves can become habituated as they are used to explain and validate unhelpful thoughts (e.g., If I am harsh on myself, other people will not be as harsh) and they might, accordingly, be intended to protect people against emotional pain, failure and rejection.” ~ Springer
After reading the above on self-judgement (thinking), I am hoping you can see there is a more useful and compassionate way to move towards your dreams. You may even beginning to think self-compassion looks like a good option and easy enough to transition towards. However, the research indicates it is a little harder than it first seems. Well for many people anyway, particularly women.
Why do we find it so hard to show compassion towards ourselves? Maybe the following reasons, which I have included under myths and realities about self-compassion from Dr Neff’s book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself can help us change our perceptions around self-compassion.
Reason 1 – Self-Criticism Can Cause Us to Feel Insecure:
Myth: “If I’m too self-compassionate, won’t I just be lazy and selfish?”
Reality: Despite being socially acceptable, self-criticism is not a helpful strategy to helping us fulfil our potential. It can actually do the cause up to feel insecure and inadequate.
Reason 2 – We Are All Worthy of Compassion:
Myth: “I am not worthy of compassion.”
Reality: Everyone is worthy of compassion – as we have all made mistakes, no one is perfect.
Reason 3 – Know Your Challenges Are Important:
Myth: Self-compassion is just a form of self-pity or self-indulgence.
Reality: Self-compassion means I think my problems are also important and worthy of being attended to as well as your problems. Self-compassion is about being with our challenges and seeing them as they are not numbing them or pushing them away, which is more self-indulgent.
Reason 4 – We Are All Similar:
Myth: We have to earn the right for compassion.
Reality: According to the Dalai Lama, “Human beings by nature want happiness and do not want suffering. With that everyone tries to achieve happiness and tries to get rid of suffering, and everyone has a basic right to do this.. Basically, from the viewpoint of real human value, we are all the same.”
Reason 5 – There Are Other Ways to Motivate Ourselves:
Myth: Self-criticism is an effective motivation strategy
Reality: self-criticism is not a helpful strategy to feel better despite it being socially acceptable. In fact, it can cause you to feel insecure and inadequate.
Starting the Adventure of Practising Self-Compassion
There are many ways to start practising self-compassion and they are unique. For me it has been a challenging process and something I needed support in remembering how to do it. I love the following quote from Brené Brown that I have found useful to remember as I continue to BE whole-heartedly ME–
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Can you see how knowing these reasons how might be able to help you judge yourself less? Do you have any questions? I hope my short explanation on the reasons why I started judging myself less can help you start to untangle from any self-judgement you may have.
Ready to reconnect with your heart and start living a more connected and whole-hearted life? Then click here to receive the toolkit 🙂
Virginia Satir was an American author and therapist,whose work was done under the umbrella of “Becoming More Fully Human.” I Am Me was written for a thirteen-year-old girl who apparently asked Virginia about what it takes to lead a fulfilling life.
I Am Me by Virginia Satir
“In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
Because I alone chose it – I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
Whether they be to others or to myself – I own my fantasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears – I own all my triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes Because I own all of
Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me – by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts – I know
There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other
Aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am
Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me – However I
Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
Me – If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is
Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded – I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be
Productive to make sense and order out of the world of
People and things outside of me – I own me, and
therefore I can engineer me – I am me and
I AM OKAY”
Over to You…
What do you think after reading that poem? Does it promote curiosity of different ways to lead a fulfilling life? Anything you would add or does it resonate with you like it did with me? If you are ready to reclaim your courage and take thenext step towards freedom and opening your heart, why not join our Toolkit?
As they say – life is a daring adventure or nothing at all. On Saturday 12/1/19, I travelled to Melbourne and a flood of memories came back to me from my tennis career. I decided to share what I was feeling on my personal Facebook page, and also the Habits for Wellbeing FB page and Instagram and this is what I wrote after the introduction above…
“You see – it’s 25 years since I reached the 3rd of the Australian Open Singles event, played on Centre court and was featured on A Current Affair (yes I was 21). And I have been to the Open once from memory after I finished playing in 1997 (it may have been twice, however didn’t check – I went to receive my Elite Coaching Course graduation, which co-incided with the coaching conference and why I am not sure if it’s once or twice).
I didn’t realise until this past week how much shame I have carried with me around my tennis career. I’ve realised now how much I had taken on board other peoples stuff (i.e their opinions, beliefs etc.) and deep within me, had the belief that I was a mistake and a bad person because I did not live up to other people’s expectations of me around tennis.
Trust me, I did my best and I now know I am not a mistake or a bad person for not living up to your expectations (thanks to the support of my coach) and I can finally be proud of what I did as a tennis player 🎾
Why do I share this with you?
Because these past few weeks I’ve been hearing the judgements come up around the performance of players. Those judgements are yours and rarely do they have anything to do with the player. I can only imagine the players are doing their best as I did. We really never know what is going on in another person’s life, unless we are privileged enough to be apart of it.
I also share this as I know shame is a debilitating emotion for many and it cannot live in the light – it only lives in the dark ❤️
I’m super grateful I’ve been able to learn the difference between my stuff, other people’s stuff and the bigger picture. As well as what is my responsibility (and other people’s). And I really hope other athletes can as well and have the courage to work through to the core of their own story and be who they are.
Remember you are a human being, first and foremost and not a machine. Being an athlete comes down the list 💕❤️”
Following are a couple of photos from that day 🙂
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to share them below.
If you are ready to reclaim your courage and take thenext step towards freedom and opening your heart, why not join our Toolkit?
In this post, I will share with you briefly what emotional intelligence is and three steps to start developing your emotional intelligence.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Originally John Mayer and Peter Salovey (1997) defined emotional intelligence as involving the abilities to –
monitor one’s own and other’s feelings,
discriminate among them, and
use this information to guide’s one thinking and action.
However, since 1997, Mayer and Salovey have redefined emotional intelligence as –
the ability to perceive emotions,
to access and generate emotions to assist thought,
to understand emotions and emotional knowledge, and
to reflectively regulate emotions to promote emotional and intellectual growth (Mayer & Salovey, 1997).
Then in 2016, Mayer et al, further refined their definition as the four-branch model of emotional intelligence, with the four branches being –
facilitating thought using emotion,
underfunding emotions, and
Developing Emotional Intelligence
Now we are on the same page about emotional intelligence, let’s look at a 3-part process to start developing emotional intelligence. Six Seconds developed this three-part model in 1997, as a process to provide a practical and simple way to learn and practice emotional intelligence, A bit like an action plan for using emotional intelligence in daily life.
This model of EQ-in-Action begins with three important pursuits: to become more aware (noticing what you do), being more intentional (doing what you mean), and being more purposeful (doing it for a reason). Basically –
Know Yourself (K) – gives you the “what”. When you Know Yourself, you know your strengths and challenges, you know what you are doing, what you want, and what to change.
Choose Yourself (C) – provides the “how”. It shows you how to take action, how to influence yourself and others, how to “operationalise” these concepts.
Give Yourself (G) – delivers the “why”. When you Give Yourself, you are clear and full of energy so you stay focused why to respond a certain way, why to move in a new direction, and why others should come on board.
The basic model, “KCG” or “Know, Choose, Give” is simple and easy to begin putting Emotional Intelligence in to action. You can see the model is a CIRCLE and that is deliberate as it is a process (not a list). The process works when you spin it, like a propeller moving a ship. As you move through the “Know, Choose, Give” you gain positive momentum!
Three Steps to Start Developing Your Emotional Intelligence
Following is a short clip from Joshua Freedman one of the creators of Six Seconds. In the clip, Joshua elaborates on the above model.
Over to You…
Now you have read the 3 steps to start developing your emotional intelligence, what empowering choices are you going to make? Remember, it’s up to you as you are the Sovereign of your own life. If you would like to know more about the Emotional Intelligence Assessments, please click here (as I am a Certified 6 Seconds EQ Assessor).
If you are ready to reclaim your courage and take thenext step towards freedom and opening your heart, why not join our Toolkit?
Mayer, J. D., & Salovey, P. (1997). What is emotional intelligence? In D. J. Sluyter (Ed.), Emotional development and emotional intelligence: Educational implications (pp. 3–34). New York, NY: Basic Books.
“the quality or state of being sovereign, or of having supreme power or authority” ~ Dictionary.com
5 Quotes on Sovereignty
“Sovereignty is the supreme power to self govern and it is the core of a life lived well‘ ~ Christina Pratt
“Sovereignty is not given, it is taken.” ~ Mustafa Kemal Atatürk
“Sovereignty unconditionally belongs neither to the people of the nation nor to some supernatural power but to the human mind, to the science and to the high ethical values!” ~ Mehmet Murat ildan
“If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them.” ~ Michael Bassey Johnson
“The sovereignty of one’s self over one’s self is called Liberty.” ~ Albert Pike
What does sovereignty mean to you?
Ready to Reclaim Your Power and Sovereignty Over Your Own Life?
Ready to reclaim and reconnect to your power and BE the sovereign of your own life? BE the sovereign of your life and focus on your –
Personal Growth by connecting with your thoughts, feelings and actions you are making from moment to moment.
Self-Management by knowing where responsibility begins and where it ends, clarifying your needs in a relationship and allowing people to see responsibility for themselves and to others.
Career / Business by encompassing by embracing what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs and what people will pay you for.
Money and Finances by knowing where you are on the continuum between enoughness and scarcity. Remembering that an enoughness mentality is grateful, whilst a scarcity mentality is ungrateful, an enoughness mentality knows there is enough for everyone and a scarcity mentality doesn’t think there is enough and an enoughness mentality is focused on trust and a scarcity mentality is focused on fear.
Giving / Contribution and Community by recognising how you are really giving and contributing to your community and then making any adjustments that you desire.
Intimate Relationship by knowing who you are and being true to your own personality and character and how you see yourself in relation to self-compassion and making any tweaks as required. For example – what do you say to yourself when you make a mistake? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends? Or do you find you are a little critical towards yourself?
Health, Body and Movement by being grateful and respectful towards your body. Every day your body completes so many functions for you, however how much do you truly connect with it and appreciate it? How much do you respect your body?
Living Space / Physical Environment by having a clear and de-cluttered environment – yes your home, workspace and car. How long does it take to find things? What does a clear and de-cluttered space mean to you?
Confidence / Emotional Awareness by moving from self-doubt to genuine self-confidence and being aware of your emotional needs. How confident and emotionally awareness are you with the steps you are taking in your life?
Family / Friends by being real and authentic in your relationships. Are your relationships based on trust, respect, love and kindness?
Leisure / Fun by doing what you love so much that the words failure and success essentially become irrelevant. How fierce is your trust in that love? Ready to take action towards it?
Travel / Holidays when was the last time you had a holiday?
If this sounds like something you are interested in, why not join us in Whole-Hearted Connection? Each day we move from knowing these things are important to taking action and BEing more of them.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves – Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are born to manifest the glory that is within us. It is not within some of us, it is in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the silent voice at the end of the day that says ‘I will try again tomorrow.”
~ Mary Anne Radmacher
I was talking to a friend yesterday and they said I wish I had the courage you have Jane. Well let me share a little secret, I still have fear and doubt in my world! Yes, seriously…
However, today I have a different relationship with fear than what I had in the past. Today, I accept and allow fear to be present in my life instead of resisting it and pretending it is not there. I also remember what I learnt in the book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing that was written by Bronnie Ware.
What Are the Five Regrets of the Dying?
The top five regrets from the book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing by Bronnie Ware were –
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me;
I wish I didn’t work so hard;
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings;
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends; and
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
I Wish I Had the Courage to…
After reading the book, I realised I needed courage to be responsible for my life and do what I wanted to do in my life, so I could live a wholehearted life. What do you wish you had the courage to do?
Maybe you wish you had the courage to –
Give yourself permission to love what you do. Yes YOU! “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~ Howard Thurman
Keep your promises. Follow-through on what you say you are going to do and only promise on things that align with your values and who you are.
Be 100% responsible for your life.Truly! Be responsible for everything that is happening in your life – if you do not like what is happening – remember you have a choice.
Ask for help. Remember, none of us can do life independently, so if you require some help and extra support, why not ask for it?
Not take things personally. As Wayne Dyer says ~ “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”
Be grateful.Truly acknowledge and appreciate the different situations in your life. I have found many diamonds in my rough times over the years. What have you found?
Be the change. “Be a reflection of what you’d like to see in others! If you want love, give love, if you want honesty, give honesty, if you want respect, give respect. You get in return, what you give!” ~ Unknown
Let go. Yes, I know letting go or letting be can be challenging, however “In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” ~ Deepak Chopra
Be vulnerable. “There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.” ~ M. Scott Peck
Be honest with yourself. If you cannot be honest with yourself, then who can you be honest with?
Aim for progress, not perfection. Let go of perfectionism and have the courage to be imperfect.
Focus on what you can control. We cannot control other people, so focus on what you can control – which is how you are feeling in this moment!
Practice self-care. Yes you have needs (e.g. financial, social, physical, environmental and emotional) and they need looking after, so focus on them.
Choose love over fear.
Practice emotional intelligence.
Start your business, write a book or start a relationship.
The Courage Wall
Whilst researching for this article, I found that Nancy Belmont created a giant “Courage Wall” in Alexandria, Va. What a great idea! Nancy said she was inspired by the following Ted Talk by Candy Chang and you can read more about her story here.
What insights did you receive after watching the video or reading the above words? Is there an action you wish you had the courage to do, so you can take the next step towards living a wholeheartedlife?
Feel free to share your responses below in the comments section.
“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you are ready to take yourself on the adventure of getting to know yourself (your true self), why not join the Toolkit? A place where I share tools, inspiration and ideas to live a courageous and wholehearted life.